It’s Friday. It’s five to five. And no, it’s not Crackerjack, but it is the verge of the weekend. Work’s been winding down since lunchtime, and everyone’s looking for things to appear busy with until Google Calendar strikes 5:30pm.
The conversations that previously delved deep into your lunch choices have now shifted to weekend ahead. And the inevitable question lands in your ears, ‘So what are you up to this weekend?’
Everyone stand a little taller, faces lighting up, ready to announce their grand plans. Your colleague Gemma says, ‘My friends and I are going for brunch at this new place that’s just opened in North London, that has a conveyer belt of cheese and unlimited Bloody Marys!’
Two people ‘ooh’, and three others ‘aah’. If Gemma’s Instagram Stories are anything to go by, she’s extremely exciting – last weekend she went axe throwing in the woods and ate a trio of crème brûlées that had been flambéed by a dragon. If her three-foot email this morning, reminding everyone to please consider all gluten-free people when bringing back treats from your holiday, is anything to go by, then um, less so.
Then Tahlia says she’s off to the coast with a group of eight friends from uni, on their annual get-together. There’s a food festival on that they might go to, she says, and then they’re going kayaking and then they’re going on a pub crawl and then they’re going stargazing.
Jack says that’s wild. His weekend’s a lot more low key than that. He’s just having some mates round for a house party. One of his mates is a DJ, so he’s sorting all the music out. And his other mate works for Diageo, so he’s got the booze covered. The lowest of keys.
As your mind starts to frantically process the volume of beer cans and wine bottles that Jack’ll be cleaning up on Sunday morning, it’s suddenly your turn. And all eyes are on you as you meekly say, ‘Oh, I don’t have any plans yet.’
But you do have plans. And those plans cost less than £10 to fulfil. They’re plans involve spending the weekend inside, eating a fried egg sandwich for brunch (with bottomless tap water), and falling in love with Season 4 Chandler all over again, while tapping through Instagram Story after Instagram Story of people living their ‘best’ lives, wondering how the hell they can afford to do this every weekend.
Gemma looks at you pitifully and says, ‘I’m sure you’ll find something to do!’, and it dawns on you that they might think that a) you’re a loser and b) you’re failing at your own social life.
But you’re not failing. Those are valid plans – they’re your plans, duh. Not everyone has to live their life like a walking issue of Time Out magazine. And sometimes it’s nice to know you’re going to walk into work on Monday morning with 10-hours worth of sleep under your
belt eyes. Your weekend’s yours, and if living your best life means not wearing a bra, only wearing PJs and making pasta at 10pm while dancing to the Mamma Mia soundtrack, then why would you even ever want to leave the house at all?
And anyway, with a remote controlled car and a Babybel, you could pretty much make your own cheese conveyer belt yourself – without having to go to North London.